Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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