I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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