Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
