I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
