the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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