Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
