Duck Duck Cougar?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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