my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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