....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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