So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
