I'm so fucking centered right now
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
