I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
