Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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