I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
