Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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