Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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