just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
