Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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