O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
