she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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