3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
