If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
