my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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