He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
