Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
