He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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