Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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