i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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