If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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