why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
