hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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