can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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