some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
