Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
