I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
