The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
