just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
