this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
