Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
