My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
