Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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