So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
