I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
