I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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