I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
