Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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