So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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