I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
