She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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