I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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