Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
