can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
